To have a better sex life, you need to get out of your head.
Don’t think that’s possible? You can train yourself to do it.
Look- as adults in this society we all have way too much going on in our lives. Overthinking is an epidemic! We’ve got jobs, bills, financial responsibilities, relationships with friends, with partners, with parents with siblings, health issues, and so much more. The dialogue that happens in our minds is sometimes on a never-ending loop so it’s no wonder people have a hard time turning it off.
Do you need to turn it off? Yes you do… that is If you want to have amazing sex! You need to get out of your head and into your body.
The best sex happens when that internal drama-filled dialogue is turned OFF. You are fully aware and present in the moment. You are focused on your body (and your partner’s body).
Ok but how do you get out of your head and into your body?
I’m so glad you asked! Here are a few options to try. Try them all or pick what works best for you. It’s also ok to try other methods- it’s whatever works for YOU.
This is a good place to start because for some people this is all they need to turn off that internal dialogue. The mere act of engaging in any sort of sexual act (with a partner or by themselves,) is enough to get them out of that head on top of their shoulders. These people tend to have high sex drives and need that release on a regular basis to retain their sanity in a crazy world.
But what about the people that have a hard time switching off their brain during sex?
Engage your senses
If you have a hard time turning off that constant stream of thoughts coming through your brain at any given time, then give that brain something else to focus on. Because here’s the truth of the matter: you don’t need to have ABSENCE of thought, you need to be focused on the right things!
So here’s where you get to train yourself to drop into your body. You need to engage all of your five senses. You can do this training process with any activity, but let’s go with sex cause that’s where we all want to end up!
- Sight: Notice the curves on your lover’s body. Notice the beads of sweat appear as things get heated up. Delight in watching them writhe under your touch. Keep your eyes open and focused on your lover the entire time.
- Smell: Inhale the aroma of your lover’s skin. Notice changes in their scent as they get more turned on. Bask in that aroma… enjoy it.
- Hear: Listen to the sounds that you make and your lover makes during your sexual encounter. If they are less vocal, then listen to the sounds that your bodies make when rubbing together or thrusting into each other. You can encourage your partner to be more vocal by being more vocal yourself. Moaning and hitches in breath are all really good indicators to a lover that things are going well, so do more of that!
- Taste: Revel in the taste of your lover’s skin. Taste multiple areas of their body, not just their lips and sex center. Use your tongue to explore their entire body… taking in their taste as you go.
- Touch: To touch and be touched is divine. Immerse yourself in the sensations of skin to skin contact. For those that have a hard time dropping into their body, put ALL of your focus on that area of contact. Put your entire focus into your fingertips. Keep feeding your brain with those sensations, let you brain analyze it if you need to, but keep all the focus on that ever-changing sensation of touch.
This same process can be done for any activity, not just sex. But I do find this method particularly effective for immersing yourself in sexual encounters!
Nothing will help you quiet your internal dialogue like meditation can. This is not a quick fix though. This takes practice and time to achieve. But it is the most effective way I know to get out of your head.
A couple of things to know about meditation:
- You do not need to empty your mind of all thoughts. That’s impossible for everyone except the ultra-masters of meditation.
- It’s ok to have thoughts pop up during meditation; notice them as an observer and let them float away.
- Focused breathing is one form of meditation, but there are also guided meditations you can follow as well. The guided imagery method is a great way to get into meditation as a practice.
If you want to learn more about meditation, here are two resources to check out:
For those that have a million thoughts racing through their head on a daily basis, doing something physical is a great way to force the mind to quiet down. But if you really want your mind to shut the fuck up already then the physical exertion is going to have to be intense. You have to find what intense means to your body; and every body is different.
Find a level of exertion where you’re forced to focus on your body, and then push yourself just a little harder. Usually this means your heartrate is elevated for a period of time and you’re breathing labored. Do that for a little longer than you think you can handle and I bet your mind is now focused on your body and NOT the bazillion worries that usually inhabit your brain.
There is a plethora of different ways to elevate your heart rate and take your body to intense levels, so pick something that is relatively enjoyable for you. You do not need to go to a hard-core gym class to achieve this; you can get the same results by climbing a few slights of stairs.
When you do achieve that state of being able to focus ONLY on your body, revel in that state. Enjoy the lack of worries at the moment… stay there as long as possible.
And then repeat as necessary.
Do a selfless act for someone else. Go out of your way to find someone that could use and would appreciate your assistance with something that would help improve their life. This has nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with THEM. (But in the end, it has everything to do with the internal reward you receive from the act of giving.)
No matter how bad you think your life is, I promise you there is someone out there that has it worse than you. Go seek someone like this. It will help put your problems into the proper perspective and suddenly your life isn’t going to seem so bad.
Doing selfless acts for others can be huge gestures and it can be simple things. It does not need to involve money. But whatever you do, make sure you make a personal connection in this good deed. Donating money to a charity is fantastic, but you don’t see the impact on a person’s face because of that contribution.
Simple ways to help people:
- Listen to friend that needs a compassionate soul to vent to
- Help a coworker revise their resume so they can get their dream job
- Mow your neighbors yard that has to work two jobs to support her children
- Go visit your elderly neighbor who lives alone and ask about their stories from when they were young
- Buy 5 extra Big Macs and hand them out to the homeless guys on the next street.
- Ask your Mom how you can help her for a day
- Volunteer at a local shelter or soup kitchen
Any of these acts makes a direct impact for the better on a person’s life. And you get to witness that impact. That can be a life altering experience for a person; both for the giver and for the receiver.
You might think I’ve gone WAY off topic here… what does volunteering at a local shelter have to do with improving your sex life?!?
It all comes full circle: You need to find ways to get out of your head, stress less, and turn down that internal worrisome dialogue so that you are free to fully immerse yourself in the physical sensations of sex.
That is how you improve your sex life!
So you have to find what works for you personally to get out of your head. You can try any of these methods or a combination of them.
I personally find all of these methods to be rewarding in their own right. For me each one has a place in the path to a highly satisfying sex life.