Break up Recovery Mode… aka: This Sucks.
As I look at the bruises left on my body after a recent break up with a lover / partner, I’m confronted with my weird reality:
He left. But the bruises left from our love making remain.
I remember telling him that I bruise easily and asking him to not mark me. For me, it was a matter of respect. That was a conversation that we had early on. And yet I’m left bruised.
Little did I realize at the time how deep that truth would go…
Much deeper than the bruises on my skin.
You see, I have these walls carefully built up around my self, and around my heart. Those walls protect me from the barrage of belittling and the constant torment of neglect that was my existence. If I didn’t let anyone inside those walls, then no one could bruise me…
But that’s not living.
And that’s not loving. At least it’s not fully living and not FULLY loving.
Do you see that?
Only when you allow yourself to be vulnerable; when you allow your walls to come down will you allow the POSSIBILITY of being alive and being love. And that takes enormous COURAGE.
It’s a possibility though; not a promise.
(But isn’t a possibility better than nothing when you don’t even try?)
And so my walls came down, and I chose to trust.
And I was hurt.
My soul is weary from this experience and my heart is heavy with the loss. And I need time to process it all.
And yet so few people allow the time and space to go through this process of healing after a break up.
We need to TAKE time to heal.
People are funny. I know they might mean well, but most of the time people say all the wrong things in times of stress.
Ignore the people that tell you you’re better off without your recently broken up ex. This may be very true, but if you’re still in emotional turmoil over the loss of this person in your life, then their comment totally negates any right you have to grieve over their loss. So toss those comments aside and allow yourself the space to grieve.
Ignore the people that tell you that your recent ex is an idiot. Again, this may be the case, but they did choose YOU, so does that still make them an idiot??
Ignore the people that tell you there’s someone better for you ‘out there’. This is a time to process, grieve, and heal; dreaming of bigger and better is just not in the cards at that time! Plus I usually find I have a snarky reply to those giving such vague offerings of help.
Ignore the people that try to give you any advice on what to do unless it’s this:
It’s OK to be _____.
It’s ok to be mad, sad, furious, contemplative, angry, irrational, giggly, crazy, quiet, verbose, sporadic, etc…
It’s ok just to be.
Allow yourself the time you need to go through this stage of the human experience. You a completely valid in feeling whatever you are feeling… because it is YOUR experience. And that’s ok.
Why do I suggest that when so many people prefer to skip this phase…?
Because this is the full human experience. And that is beautiful. That is healing. And that is what is good for your soul.
Pay less attention to what others around you say your break up should look like and how you need to tie up loose ends with your ex, and how you need to move on with your life at the drop of a hat…
And take the time you need to heal after the break up. And do what feels right for YOU and what is nourishing for you and you alone. If you need to remove yourself from circumstances with friends, events, coworkers, engagements, family, etc., then do it to allow yourself space. Give yourself the gift of space to retreat and process through your thoughts and feelings. If you don’t process it now, it will manifest itself in another form later. That’s just a universal guarantee for you.
So take the time, make the time, and allow yourself the healing process. Your soul needs it.
Just don’t get stuck in wallowing, or in self-pity… that is the essence behind my article Unfuck Yourself. Go read it. You owe it to yourself to move on.
As for me…
My heart is bruised. And I’m healing.
I find myself stuck for the moment in being able to move on… and it’s funny that my stuck-ness coincides with the surface level bruises… while those bruises are visible it’s a direct tie to the past, a visual connection to that past lover that keeps me entrenched there. But as they fade, so does the connection, and my desire for better increases… and my desire for wholeness and vitality is there again.
And I am reborn. Yet again.
Peace & Love